Tuesday Fat

First it was Mr. Belvedere to get the axe; now it's Jeeves.

I suspect now that Jeeve's answers will be quite different than they originally were.

The question "Why did you get fired?" would likely have returned answers in the form of links on how to handle getting fired. Now he's not so indirect:

"It was complete garbage. They didn't even give me any notice!"

In other news concerning search engine scandals involving their fictional cartoon characters, Google's characters were stripped of their medals after the IOC ruled that participants must be human and not bizarre ice and snow characters.

Conversation overheard in New Orleans:

"Gimme some beads!"
"Bees?"
"BEADS!"

Chickens and monkeys and Prince...oh, my!

Here it is, another lunch break and very little news to report. I did however, come across one article you probably don't want to read: http://money.cnn.com/2006/02/24/news/companies/citi_fortune/index.htm?cnn=yes

In fact, I found it to be pretty dull myself. So perhaps you're wondering: how did I end up there - why'd I even click on it? The answer is simple: the link on CNN's homepage was labeled "Prince's Purple Reign at Citigroup." To which I responded "Whaaaaa....?" and clicked on the link. It wasn't as interesting as I thought it would be, but it was much saner too.

Luckily, there were plenty of things which were NOT saner than what I had originally planned. For instance:

Cluuuuuuck..........Cluuuuuuuuuuuuck............Cluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. I hear if you play Geico commercials backwards it says "We buried the gecko....We buried the gecko." And if you play Led Zeppelin during GM commercials - wait, they already did that...

Most important text message you could ever send on a phone:
"The razor-toothed piranhas of the genera Serrasalmus and Pygocentrus are the most ferocious freshwater fish in the world. In reality they seldom attack a human."

The most important message you can find from me. That is all in this Friday edition...

Hopefully ice cream cake isn't on the restricted list

Maybe this could help me stay away from donuts. Not to mention at least 50 feet away from anything called a "Super Steer".

At least I didn't eat the "Super Steer" burger...

Ah, the joys of free stuff. Today, we received word that a company would be bringing in sandwiches. No doubt, I thought, another salesperson wanting to remind us that they are our best option, whether it be automotive connectors or clown suits. I was on the right track, but where I wrong made all the difference. They were indeed salespeople. However, they sell those vending machines with iffy-looking sandwiches and other iffy-looking delights.

But I, not wanting to back down from challenges or free stuff, decided to eat and report. Here's what the menu consisted of today:

1. Mrs. Smith's strawberry cream cheese pie
2. Something that resembled a sub sandwich

Results:
The Mrs. Smith's pie wasn't too bad. It wasn't the greatest thing in the whole world, but it bore a striking similarity to a real piece of pie.

The sub sandwich was a little different. First of all, I found out after two bites that the lettuce and tomato were going to have to exit the sandwich immediately. Secondly, I thought I put mayo on my sandwich. I didn't. Instead, I used "Miracle Whip", mayo's evil cousin. Honestly, the sandwich wasn't so great anyway. I recommend you do what you've probably done your whole life - assume that they're probably not so great.

I'm glad to be a fountain of knowledge - I would eat a sandwich out of a vending machine to inform you readers out there.

Until I think of something else pointless to write about....

Maybe they'll play "Breakfast in America" for the USA!

In watching the XXCMVIAQQQ Olympiad this past week, I've noticed something about the soundtrack. When the athletes were coming into the stadium during the opening ceremonies, they were playing English-language music. I don't recall hearing any song in another language while watching. Then, last night, I was watching some indoor event (I think it was speedskating), and during a lull in competition, they were playing Queen. Now one might think that they might play a variety of music given the diverse backgrounds of participants and spectators. Perhaps, though, the Olympics are a way to demonstrate the superiority of the English language. In that vein, I have the following suggestion: when a nation wins, instead of its nation anthem playing (which I, as an English speaker, don't even know!), we should play an English-language song which references the country the winning athlete represents.

For starters, we could use:
Russia - "Back in the USSR"
(USSR and Russia - they're the same, right?)

Japan - "Woman from Tokyo"
(for that matter, all Godzilla movies should be dubbed with this song)

"Kashmir" will be performed for India, Pakistan and China.

And all Spanish-speaking countries will have English-language songs performed by Enrique Iglesias.

[blogger's note: okay, a bit over the top in sarcasm]

Enjoy the rest of the Olympics. And a Whippet escaped from the dog show from the other day; I would almost expect to see him in "true" competition - skiing through some rough moguls!

And now for a sports update...

The competition in the past couple days has truly been an inspiration. I, of course, am referring to the instance in which the underdog, not favored by any, pulls off an upset in the face of stiff competition. The name Rufus will forever resonate with those who don't feel like they have a chance.

Okay, so there have been some "other" competitions, but I'm not sure if I want to watch games which are affiliated with these two. [blogger's note: okay, so I watch the games, but I would like to know who came up with an ice cube and a snowball?]

Back to the real sport at hand, it seems that now there's an excellent way to tell what your dog is thinking: http://msnbc.msn.com/id/11318440/. Important to remember: you can always tell how well your dog will do by the amount of white light surrounding it. Yellow light is NOT good. Fluorescent light probably wouldn't work either.

Good thing she doesn't tell the owners who's going to win because that would really spoil their moment of glory. I think I could do her job, though. For instance, I bet I can tell what this dog is thinking: What the heck was Bode Miller thinking?!?

Valentine's Day

Yep, it's the mushiest holiday of the year again. Nope, Lincoln's Birthday was Sunday. It's Valentine's Day! In case you are looking for some last-minute ideas, here are some quality ones that you could give a try:

Tiddlywinks - I think these might have been the ancestor of pogs. These were most fun to aim at younger siblings. The best way to express yourself? I might have thought this was it until...

Matching Plastic Surgery - Truly a thoughtful gift. If you just need a way to say "I would love you more if you just weren't so dang ugly", this is it!

[Thanks to Becky for sending me this...I should also probably mention that she also labeled it as a terrible gift. But if you think that this could work in your situation, by all means!]

I'm not sure if there are other good gifts out there, but let me know if there are!

This probably wouldn't work with the Ninja Turtles

Ken has decided to give Barbie's superficial looks a run for its money.

Even Puppy Bowl was better than this:

I now have proof that medical workers are indeed a different breed of people.

'The Super Bowl' Or 'How I spent Waitangi Eve'

I am aware that by doing my engineering duty and going to another testing lab yesterday, I was unable to give you the immediate news coverage you surely deserve. Fret not, for I am back.

Surely you spent Sunday watching the Super Bowl, right? If not, I was given a sampling of what television could have been like Sunday night in absence of that. You see, I had decided that if the Colts or the Chargers or the Bears couldn't make it to the Super Bowl, then maybe I could take a gander at something else on TV.

Oh my, what a mistake that was. Luckily, I did it when nothing else worthwhile was actually on, but still. I decided that maybe the puppy bowl would be worth a watch. Allow me to sum up the scientific results in two words (thanks to the magic of contractions): It wasn't. It would have been easy to make this something that I would like - all they had to do was make a point to it. There wasn't. And if that wasn't bad enough, they made it very disturbing by having some "referee" come out and call fouls on dogs which answered the call of nature within their mini doggy stadium.

Learn from my mistakes, lest you repeat them yourselves.

State of the Union Address

For those of you who aren't fortunate enough to have cable (this blogger is one of those), you may have noticed your options were rather limited last night. It seems that our president of the US of A had an update to give us. For those who weren't around to see it, here's my personal transcipt of the event:

PGWB: "I..."
[standing ovation from the Republican side...Democratic side sitting and clapping sparsely...Bush pauses for 12.2 minutes]

PGWB: "bipartisan..."
[standing ovation from both sides; also this blogger thinks that House Majority Whip Roy Blunt, R-Mo. may have thrown a paper ball (with no doubt the latest bill written on it) at House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif.]

Okay, so this is pretty much it went for the next hour. The synopsis was: he'll get the cafeteria to serve more chicken nuggets and less meatloaf; and the principal will always have to come to school in a clown suit. Or something like that.

More interestingly, there was a rebuttal afterwards. It was given by this man.

And he went about reciting the statement that included all key words and phrases that must be engraved in marble somewhere in the national Democratic headquarters.

Whoops! It seems a mistake was made in the picture given. It was actually this man.

[Blogger's note: It was an honest mistake!]

Oddly enough, I did not see the Whig party's rebuttal to the SOTU after the Democrats'. I hope this post was informative and kept you up-to-date on current events.